Curbing the Apocalypse

Back in September of last year I wrote a post on climate change and complained about there being a lack of good speculative fiction dealing with the issue. My friend and frequent collaborator, Ahimsa Kerp, politely suggested I read The Windup Girl by Paolo Bacigalupi (it only won the Hugo and Nebula awards—how could I possibly have known about it?). The book is set in the near future when the global oil supply is for all intents and purposes gone, and rising temperatures have resulted in higher sea levels and a global food crisis. Huge agricultural corporations hold the world hostage with their genetically altered seed supplies, and combat independent nations with designer pests and blights.

When you consider the mounting evidence of climate change and hear more and more about real-life corporations like Monsanto snuffing out local farmers to gain a monopoly on the world's seed supply, Bacigalupi's vision seems awfully prescient. Reading this great novel, along with having recently read Bill McKibben's Eaarth and State of the World by the non-profit World Watch Institute, I can't help but feel a greater urgency to make changes in how we live—to try and save the world from ecological disaster, or if nothing else, be more prepared when the apocalypse does arrive. So, without further ado, I present to you:

How to be Self-reliant and Environmentally Responsible (without being a pussy or dirty hippy, not that there there's nothing wrong with that...)

Step 1: Quit Buying Cheap Shit!

We've been conditioned as consumers to think that everything is disposable. Buy, use, throw away, repeat. While most people are aware that this fills up our landfills, the more pressing issue is the carbon dumped into our atmosphere thanks to the endless manufacturing and distribution of these disposable consumer goods. The solution is easy: quit buying disposable, cheap shit.

The most obvious culprit is bottled water. It takes about 47 million gallons of oil to produce a year's supply of disposable water bottles, and then there's the bottles themselves to contend with—only around 20% actually get recycled, leaving the rest to pollute landfills or add to the floating islands of trash in our oceans. Instead of drinking bottled water, buy a reusable water bottle and refill it (even tap water is equally clean as most bottled water). There are dozens of styles to choose from. Choose one made of BPA-free plastic, or better yet, pick one of the stainless-steel or aluminum varieties and you'll always have a makeshift club at your disposal.

And as long as we’re talking about potential weapons to utilize in case the apocalypse arrives, let’s up the ante and talk straight razors. I got fed up constantly buying replacement blades for my Gillette Mach 3. In addition to hitting my pocketbook pretty hard (seriously? a 3-pack of replacement blades costs twenty fucking bucks when the entire razor only cost ten dollars in the first place!??), there’s also gobs of waste packaging and the aforementioned manufacturing and distribution pollution. The alternative? A straight razor and all the accessories. You’re looking at dropping a couple of hundred bucks on a decent razor, whetstone, strop, brush, and shaving soap, but the cost is well worth it. A good straight razor will last you your lifetime and nothing makes you feel more alive than shaving your neck whiskers with a blade that can slit open your jugular with a simple twitch of your hand. Visit the super cool blog The Art of Manliness for a great guide on how to shave with a straight razor. (Ladies, though I’ve never heard of it before, I don’t see why you can’t shave your legs and ‘pits with a straight razor. If anyone has done this, chime in and let me know how it works.)

There are lots of other examples like these. The trick is to see what you throw away a lot and replace those items with reusable ones. Tired of plastic grocery bags? Buy reusable ones. Have a coffee shop addiction? Buy reusable mugs and cups and take them with you. Does your nasal passage manufacture too much snot? Start using a handkerchief. You get the idea.


Step 2: Embrace Your Inner Farmer

These days the term farmer has the connotation of being an inbred hick, but go hang out with any real family farmer and you’ll find one of the most self-reliant, knowledgeable people you’re ever likely to meet. In addition to growing their own crops, they raise animals (and know a thing or two about being a veterinarian), manage their water usage, and can fix damn near anything, whether it be a leaky toilet or a busted up tractor. I’m not saying you should quit your job and sell off all your assets to buy 100 acres and start your own farm, but there are a lot of little things you can do to become more self-reliant and lessen your impact on the environment.

Growing a garden is deeply satisfying, both the physical labor involved and the act of eating what you grow. After eating a home-grown tomato on your next BLT, you’ll never want to eat a tasteless store-bought tomato again. Some easy things to grow in a backyard garden are tomatoes, squash, peppers, and herbs. Do some research on what you want to grow and try it out. The first garden you grow probably won’t turn out great, but that’s the point, to practice and learn how to do it right, so when the world is reduced to a bunch of starving, cannibalistic scavengers, you can grow food in the safety of your stronghold. If you live in a more urban space, your options are limited, but you can still put together a hanging herb-garden like I did by mounting hanging brackets on a wall or the side of your house. And let me tell you, if you don’t have a hammer drill, you’ll get one hell of a workout drilling through concrete cinder blocks.

In addition to gardening, it’s a good idea to give some thought to your landscaping. If you live in an area that doesn’t get a lot of rain, it makes no sense to have a lush, green lawn. Replace your grass with plants that are indigenous to your area and are drought resistant. If your house gets bombarded by the afternoon sun, plant some shade trees. I also like to compost unused produce, leaf litter, and grass clippings. Chuck it all in a pile somewhere, mix it up occasionally, keep it damp, and—bam!—you have a ready supply of potting soil/fertilizer. I use the stuff in my garden and to green up dead spots in my lawn where the soil is bad or my dogs piss. (Yeah, yeah, I know I said to get rid of your grass, but I rent my place and don't have the luxury.)

Speaking of dogs, I got overly-ambitious and built a cesspit in which to dispose my dogs' turds (as opposed to picking them up and throwing them away in plastic bags, which essentially seals and immortalizes the poop). All I did was dig a hole a couple of feet deep, line the bottom with some gravel, toss in some cesspit starter bacteria (from my local hardware store), shovel the turds in, add some water, and throw an old garbage can lid on top to keep the poopy fumes from inundating the backyard. Not a bad solution to poop and other unsavory organic waste you don't want to throw in your compost pile and eventually your vegetable garden.

Other ideas you can steal from farmers include capturing rainwater runoff into buckets or a cistern to use for irrigation, and raising your own small animals: chickens (for meat or eggs), rabbits (for meat), or, like they do in Peru, guinea pigs.  Mmmm, guinea pig burgers....


Step 3: Head Down to Barter Town

While you might get good at being a farmer, the fact of the matter is you will not be able to grow or build all the necessities you'll need to survive. To that end, it's smart to start shopping at your local markets, and I'm not talking the grocery store or lame-ass Walmart down the street. I'm talking farmer's markets, swapmeets, and such. Buying at a local market like this has several benefits. One, it supports your local economy. Rather than bitching about how everything is made in China or how politicians fail to create jobs, put your money where your mouth is. Buy stuff locally and the money stays local. What's more, you'll have bought stuff that doesn't have a huge carbon footprint from being shipped halfway across the world.

When it comes to buying produce and grains, take it a step further and buy organic, if possible. I know, I know, the stereotype is that people who buy organic are health food nuts, but that's not my reasoning for touting organic. Sure, it's healthier and that's all good, but more importantly it's made without fertilizers, pesticides, and fungicides, all of which are made from petroleum. Most people don't realize that all the chemicals pumped into foods grown on mega-farms are made from oil, but it's the dirty truth (another reason to compost at home and use the compost instead of fertilizer).

Perhaps buying local and buying organic won't keep modern civilization from toppling into chaos, but if nothing else, it'll give you the skills you need to strike bargains on the real open market, and it'll help you forge a network of locals you can band together with when the shitstorm arrives.


Step 4: Become a Mad Scientist

In addition to lacking a sustainable supply of food, the other two big issues our world is about to face are where we'll get clean water from and where we'll get our energy from. Might as well get used to using less of both now. With water, you can start with the water conservation methods I suggested in the farmer section. Beyond that, you can install low-flow heads on all your faucet and shower heads, swap out old toilets for low-flow toilets, fix any water leaks or drips you have, and simply start paying attention to your daily habits. No need to run the water while you're brushing your teeth. Refrain from taking those twenty minute showers. Use smaller load settings on your washer, and forgo the extra rinse. If you squirt off only a small pee (and haven't been eating asparagus), don't bother flushing the toilet yet.

With the energy issue, everyone already knows that we're addicted to oil and coal. The problem is figuring out what alternatives we have. Going electric is the most obvious answer, but for the time being, most of our electricity still comes from dirty, carbon-based sources. To reduce your electricity usage, there are a bevy of things you can do. Most electricity is used to heat water and to heat or cool our homes, so that's the first place to start. Wash your clothes on the cold water setting, turn your water heater temperature down a notch or two, install instant water heaters, or better yet, use a roof-mounted solar water heater system. To keep your house at a comfy temperature, make sure your exterior walls and attic are insulated, install double-paned windows, install good window coverings, and ease up on your thermostat. You don't need it to be 72 degrees inside when it's well over a hundred outside. In addition, update old appliances and use energy efficient lighting.

If you're feeling really ambitious, there are more drastic measures. Kick your gas guzzler to the curb and buy a Tesla supercar. Give the utility companies the finger and install solar panels on your roof. Install a windmill if it's constantly windy outside. Have a creek on your property? Try out some hydro-power generators or an old fashioned water mill. And if you're really crazy, build a Tesla Generator for “free energy.” Sure, the websites peddling guides on how to build one don't mention that your antenna will have to be the size of the Statue of Liberty to generate enough power to supply one house, but maybe—just maybe—you're the person who can modify it to be more efficient. Or maybe you're the one who can figure out cold fusion and keep the worldwide energy party going. I really do hope someone finds a miracle solution, but just in case, I'll be at home with my water bottle and straight razor, building better cesspits and growing tastier tomatoes.

-Garrett Calcaterra

Zombies, Excuses, and Miscellanea

Gadzooks! It's been over two months since I've last posted a blog entry, so let me first of all apologize and get the excuses out of the way. My big excuse is that I've moved, which doesn't seem like a big deal at first, but considering that 1) I'm teaching six writing classes (and all the grading that entails), 2) it was necessary to integrate and make accommodations in the new place for two dogs and a cat whom had never met each other before, and 3) it was necessary to turn the garage into a studio/rehearsal space for my band, Wheel House, you can maybe sympathize with why I haven't had much time for writing. Hopefully. But no more excuses. The last two months certainly haven't been a waste and I'm hoping being in the new environment will be the start of a productive and successful period of writing.

Agent News!

As of yesterday, I officially have an agent for my novel Dreamwielder. The contract is signed and we'll start shopping the book around to publishing houses come January. The agent is also potentially interested in This Book is Sh*t!, as well as any future novels I have up my sleeve (including potential sequels to Dreamwielder). Needless to say, I'm very stoked and inspired to start writing my next book. And for the record, I pretty much followed my own advice when it came finding an agent.

Dysecotopia

After my last blog post/rant about climate change, my good friend and collaborator Ahimsa Kerp suggested I read The Windup Girl by Paolo Bacigalupi. While I haven't had time to read the book yet, I did seek out Bacigalupi's website, where I found this cool short story called “The Tamarisk Hunter.” It's not what you'd call uplifting, but rather a stark look at what the near future could be like for southern California and the southwest United States.

Real Life Dystopia

Having kept up with the Occupy protests across the US (and the world for that matter), and after reading this article from The Guardian, I recently quipped on Facebook and Twitter that I might as well start writing non-fiction rather than novels since the US is essentially becoming a totalitarian state. I'm sure some people scoffed at my remark, but a week later it turns out I'm not so far off from the truth. The US Congress has quietly signed into law the National Defense Authorization Act for Fiscal Year 2012, which has two very alarming detention provisions (specifically sections 1031 and 1032) that empower the US military to arrest, torture, and imprison without due process anyone suspected of being a terrorist or terrorist sympathizer, including US citizens right here in the good ole U  S of A.

I don't care whether you're a Republican, Democrat or none of the above, this is seriously fucked up. I think we can all agree that our politicians have proven themselves untrustworthy and loyal only to big money and special interests that give them the most campaign donations and insider deals. Do we really trust these yahoos to objectively differentiate between true terrorists and citizens exercising their constitutional rights to voice their dissent, organize, and protest?

Zombies

Okay, on to more entertaining and less depressing matters: the zombie apocalypse. Just a couple of random notes here...

I finally saw Return of the Living Dead, which is the origin of zombies clamoring for brains (“Bwains! Bwains! We want your Bwains!”). It's an 80's flick that somehow was better received than George Romero's contemporaneous Day of the Dead. It's certainly campy and entertaining, but unbelievably stupid and in no way compares to any of Romero's flicks. It's a movie all zombie fans should see once, but probably only once...

A friend of mine recently recommended this zombie short film called Zombie in a Penguin Suit. It's a great watch if you have 5-10 minutes to spare.

And lastly, I'm not totally sold on the second season of AMC's The Walking Dead. While the mid-season finale was pretty bad-ass, I feel like the episodes prior to that were very slow moving and our hero, Rick, has been annoyingly stonewalled from doing anything momentous. We'll see what the second half of season 2 has to offer...

-Garrett Calcaterra

Fahrenheit 2011

It's September again, and for me that means back to teaching. Among the six classes I'm teaching this year, two of them are noteworthy—two classes that at first glance might seem unrelated, but to my mind are inextricably linked. The first is a dystopian literature course at the Orange County High School of the Arts. The second is a composition course at Chapman University, writing about ecology, in which we are reading extensively about the impact of climate change.

Amazingly, people the world over seem to think global warming is still a theory under debate, or worse, that it's a hoax. Let me be clear, there is no debate. This is no hoax. The data is overwhelming. There is no argument within the scientific community whether global warming is real. The only discussion is how bad will it get, and how can we curtail the damage.

It's not difficult to discern where the public confusion is stemming from. All you have to do is follow the money. 7 of the 10 biggest companies in the world are oil or energy companies, and there's still a lot of money to be made from ensuring our world economy is dependent on oil and coal. In the same way the tobacco industry outright lied about the health effects of smoking for decades, the oil and coal companies are spreading lies about climate change. So, is it any surprise that 9 of the 10 most prolifically published climate change deniers are directly linked to Exxon?

Along with these mercenary pseudo-scientists, we also have the guys who are so consumed with their politics and capitalist zealotry, that they're convinced global warming is a conspiracy concocted by the political left to scare the public into voting them into power, douche-bags like Larry Bell, who cherry pick individual statistics and take quotes from real scientists out of context to make it look like climate change is a hoax.

Yes, we are all entitled to our own opinions, but not all opinions are equal. I'll leave Bill Maher to explain it better than I can:

Don't get me wrong here. I'm just as happy as the next guy for the great conveniences oil has brought us. I love fast cars and motorcycles, I like being able to jet across the globe in less than a day (when I can afford it), I like to blast the A/C when it's stupidly hot outside, and I appreciate the convenience of having an abundance of readily available produce at the grocery store thanks to petroleum-based fertilizers. The party we've been having the last hundred years has been great, but like all parties, it has to end eventually. The world we've created for ourselves is in big trouble, and if the unwashed masses don't realize it soon and start making big changes, we're going to be in even bigger trouble.

All this leads me to ask: when the fuck is the new generation of novelists and short fiction writers finally going to write something worthwhile that really drives home the dire situation humans are facing? In the decades past we had George Orwell, Aldous Huxley, Ray Bradbury, Kurt Vonnegut, and dozens of other great writers who showed us the potential dangers civilization faced with their dystopian visions. And yet, here we are facing a very real crisis, and the writing community is silent?

Back in August of last year, after helping with the clean-up efforts of the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, I vowed to write with a renewed purpose, and the issues of over-industrialization and climate change have continued to be themes in my work. Industrialization and the erroneous notion that man can conquer nature is an underlying theme of Dreamwielder, the novel I recently finished writing, and I have several short stories and a new novel in the works that will make the issue of climate change an even more prominent component. But am I alone? I know I can't be. It's only a matter of time before the message gets out there—whether as an underground insurgence of short fiction, or the next best-selling novel. The thing to worry about is whether the people will take the message to heart, and whether it will be too late maintain civilization as we know it.

Either way, I'll be here, still writing what I think is important, even if my writing time is limited because I'm constantly having to fend off armed marauders in order to protect my little plot of organic farmland after the apocalypse. Hell, it even might be fun. Just because I'm a proponent of environmental issues, doesn't mean I'm a peace loving hippy.

Welcome to the World of Transgressive Fiction.

This Fall I have two new short stories coming out in anthologies, one a high seas adventure forthcoming in Pirates & Swashbucklers (to be released on Talk Like a Pirate Day—Arr!), and the other a very odd tale in Fracas: A Collection of Short Friction, available now! As the editors describe it, Fracas is an anthology of transgressive fiction, a genre some readers might not be familiar with. So as a public service, here's the quick and dirty on what the genre is all about, as well as some reading recommendations from the contributors to Fracas.

The Lowdown: Transgressive fiction seeks to find meaning in the human condition by running roughshod over societal norms and exploring the extreme boundaries of existence.

The Protagonists: Addicts, criminals, sexual deviants, perverts, social outcasts, etc.

The Effect: Like watching the couple next door get in a knock-down, drag-out fist fight on the front porch, then hearing them go inside for some loud, raucous fucking—disturbing, but at the same time enthralling and thought provoking, if you dare let your mind go there.

Transgressive Authors and Books to Read (as recommended by the editor and writers of Fracas):

J. Travis Grundon, Editor: Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk, The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, The Bus Driver Who Wanted to Be God & Other Stories or anything by Etgar Keret, The Acid House by Irvine Welsh, and Less Than Zero or American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis.

James M. Bowers: Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk.

Billy Brown: American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis.

Chance Chambers: "The 'Priest' They Called Him," the short story William S. Burroughs recorded with Kurt Cobain's distorted, feedback-laden version of "Silent Night."

Leslee Marie Schaffer: Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk.

John F.D. Taff: anything by Chuck Palahniuk.

Joe Schwartz: In a round-a-bout way I recommend Stephen King's pseudonymous Richard Bachman, most especially his almost prophetic story The Running Man. Before it was a completely over-the-top shit movie starring everyone's favorite Austrian, it was a damn good dystopian story that saw the future as a world of haves and have-nots organized via their impossible-to-turn-off TVs installed by a Orwellian shadow government referred to as the Network. Two things about that book. One, the chapters are given in reverse chronological order, that is a countdown. How finite. Second, when the twin towers fell on 9/11 I couldn't help but think of the ending to this book. On a sidenote, it is rumored that King wrote the fucking thing in a weekend high on cocaine.

Me: I recommend Fracas, of course, and also American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. The book is seriously fucked up, but I couldn't put it down. Also, not sure if it counts, but maybe one of the first transgressive novels ever written, I highly recommend Hunger by Knut Hamsun.

Other notable transgressive authors to check out: Charles Bukowski, J.G. Ballard, and Anthongy Burgess. I realize there are no female authors on this list. Readers, please help me out here and provide some reading recs from female transgressive authors.

Miscellanea:

Check out this interview with me on Kameron M. Franklin's blog, Pens & Swords. Kameron is a fellow contributor to Pirates & Swashbucklers. In the interview, we talk about my pirate piece included in the anthology, as well as genre and why I'm sort of all over the place as a writer—spec fiction, literary fiction, transgressive fiction, erotica, you name it.

The Roads to Baldairn Motte, the fantasy novel I co-wrote with Craig Comer and Ahimsa Kerp just got its first full book review from Rogue Blades Entertainment. Reviewer Keith West says of the book: "All in all, The Roads to Baldairn Motte contains some of the best and most thought provoking studies in heroism at the individual level that I’ve seen in quite a while." Quite a glimmering endorsement, if I do say so myself.

-Garrett Calcaterra

Author Interview: Misty Massey

Misty Massey is no bandwagon pirate fanatic who got turned onto the trend on account of the Disney Pirates of the Caribbean movies or by watching too many Captain Morgan rum commercials. Nope, she’s been fascinated by pirates since she was a kid, and her first novel, Mad Kestrel, carries on the rich literary heritage of great pirate adventures. Misty and I became acquainted several years back on an online forum where she was hosting a Q&A session. She happened to mention that the Tim Powers novel On Stranger Tides was a big influence for her, and I quickly bragged that I work with Powers at the Orange County High School of the Arts, and was myself a big fan of his work. She was duly impressed, and when my book The Roads to Baldairn Motte (co-written with Craig Comer and Ahimsa Kerp) came out, I more or less begged her to give it a read and write a cover blurb. She obliged, and once again her generosity has come through by granting her time to come chat here on my blog.

What follows is the inside scoop on a potential sequel to Mad Kestrel, who it is that makes her gush like a school girl, and some secret skills she’s been honing that’ll keep randy buccaneers at bay on the dance floor. Yarr!

 Garrett:  First off, how is the sequel to Mad Kestrel coming along?

Misty:  (laughs) That's the question of the hour, isn't it? You wouldn't believe how many people ask me that every day (which is lovely, and I'm not complaining at all.) It’s coming along. I'm in rewrites, and frankly I've discovered a few things that I somehow missed in the first draft, making it a deeper and hopefully more satisfying story. I had hoped to be finished mid-July, but now it looks like I've got another week or so of work. The end is in sight!

Garrett:  That's great. I'm sure a lot of people will be very stoked to hear you're so close.

Misty:  That's why I'm not complaining. It's really ego-boosting to know that there are people who want to read what I write. As a writer yourself, you know how good that feels.

Garrett:  Indeed. So now that we’ve gotten that obligatory question out of the way, what sparked your interest in pirates?

Misty:  Oh gee, I've been a pirate girl for nearly my whole life. When I was 6 or 7, my family visited the Outer Banks on vacation, and the best part of the whole trip was getting to climb on sun-bleached shipwrecks and pretending to be a pirate. Later, after we moved to the Lowcountry of South Carolina, I learned more about the real pirates who prowled the Atlantic. I was fascinated by the romance of a life at sea. I know that pirates were criminals who'd have been happy to dip my toes in boiling tar to make me tell where the gold was hidden, but they represent the kind of freedom that we just don't have available anymore. That makes them fun.

Garrett:  Yeah, it's pretty hard arguing against being a pirate. Who are your biggest influences as a writer?

Misty:  I've been writing since I was a kid, but for many years, it never once occurred to me that I might be published. Back then, authors were these semi-divine beings who lived on mountaintops and could not be seen by mere humans. After college, I worked for a while in an independent bookstore, where I found a book called The Anubis Gates by Tim Powers. I took it home, devoured it, and decided then and there that I wanted to do what he'd done. He'd managed to create something amazing and I wanted to do that myself. But how to go about it? I started writing short stories, and even managed to sell a few to magazines that paid in copies. Eventually, I met Faith Hunter, who was part of a local writing group. She was writing mysteries at the time, while I was writing fantasy, but her insights and advice were exactly what I needed to push me along. After critiquing a number of short stories in the context of the group, she started insisting that I try writing a novel. I didn't think I could do it, but here we are! I've often said that there would have been no novel from me if Faith hadn't strong-armed me into trying it.

Garrett:  Thank goodness for Faith, then. And huzzah for Tim Powers! Anubis Gates is one of my favorite books, too. We'll have to get you out to California so you can meet Powers one of these days. I actually get to work with him at the Orange County High School of the Arts. Amazing guy.

Misty:  I would LOVE to shake his hand one day. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that when I come face to face with him, I'll be so starstruck I'll babble something incomprehensible and run away. Or cry. (laughs) Some girls lose their minds over rock stars; for me, it's writers.

Garrett:  Same for me. I went to Comic Con this year and while my girlfriend was starstruck seeing different movie and TV celebrities, I piddled myself when I happened to walk by George R.R. Martin.

Misty:  (laughs out loud)

Garrett:  Alright, back to Mad Kestrel. You did a great job of addressing gender roles in the novel through the natural progression and context of the story without being heavy handed. As a female author, how do you approach gender roles and the issue of sexism in your writing?

Misty:  Gender roles... that's really a tough one. Once upon a time, society dictated such concrete standards that one could hardly think about stepping outside them. These days, the world's open to anyone. Or mostly. Luckily, there were a few female pirates among the 18th century pirates that I used for inspiration, so I'm not entirely out of my depth by writing one. Then again, those female pirates weren't supposed to be pirating at all, and I tried to keep that in mind when I was working on Mad Kestrel. Brave and vicious and strong they were, but they weren't entirely accepted.

I've had the occasional review that complained about male characters seeing Kestrel as a sexual object, but those instances were important to show how very unusual it was for her to hold such a position aboard a ship. A 21st century man knows better than to behave that way to a woman doing her job, but the 18th century men saw women like that as unworthy of respect. So, I think I'm trying to make sure that I accurately portray the cultural behaviors of my world, even though as a modern woman I might not like it much. And I also do my best to make my protagonist fight those strictures so she can ultimately live the free life she craves.

Whew!

Garrett:  I happen to know some 21st century men who still think it's the 18th century when it comes to females.

 Misty:  Yeah, I live in the South, where some people still think it's 1875.

Garrett:  Well, I for one think you did a great job—both with your response to the question and in portraying Kestrel in a realistic, thoughtful way.

Misty:  Thanks!

Garrett:  Okay, let's lighten it up a little. You're a contributing member of MagicalWords.net. What is Magical Words all about and how did you get involved?

Misty:  Magical Words is about helping would-be authors by giving them tips, advice and suggestions about the publishing world. I'm honored to be a member of the team—we've been at it for three years now, and I hope we keep going many more years.

It all began when I went over to Faith Hunter's house for tea one afternoon. She and David B. Coe had been tossing around an idea for joining together to make a bigger mark on the internet than a single person's blog could accomplish. We talked and plotted and planned all afternoon, then I came home to tell my husband. He happened to be an amateur webmaster at the time, and offered to set up our site. We invited C.E. Murphy to join us, and soon we were posting new content four days a week. C.E. Murphy had to drop out after the second year, due to having a baby, so we added Stuart Jaffe, A.J. Hartley and Edmund Schubert to the lineup.

Garrett:  That sounds very cool. And you guys even have a book out in print now, is that correct?

Misty:  Yes, last January we released a book of the best posts from the first two years, called How To Write Magical Words. We're talking about a fiction anthology, but that's up in the air right now, until we can get an interested publisher.

Garrett:  Very cool. I'm working on a couple of different anthologies myself. Lot's of work, but it's great to get to work with other writers. Sometimes you feel sort of isolated as a writer and it's nice to collaborate, I think.

Misty:  You're absolutely right. That's one reason I like going to cons so much. Just the chance to talk shop with people who know how this crazy business feels!

Garrett:  Agreed. Alright, ready for the speed round?

Misty:  (cracks her knuckles) Ready!

Garrett:  Are you any good at singing pirate shanties?

Misty:  Yes, I am! I can do at least ten verses of "A Drop of Nelson's Blood" all on my own. And while I don't remember all the words, I can power through the chorus of "Barrett's Privateers" with the best of them.

Garrett:  Nice! Favorite rum?

Misty:  Cruzan Blackstrap (although Kraken has the best bottle design).

Garrett:  Good choice. I haven't tried Kraken yet, though I've held the bottle longingly many at time at the store. If you ever find yourself in Fiji, I highly recommend Bounty overproof room. My good friend and collaborator Ahimsa Kerp turned me onto it. Unfortunately, you can't find it here in the states.

Misty:  I'd love to find myself in Fiji someday!

Garrett:  Scariest sea creature? The Kraken?

Misty:  Jellyfish. They're really hard to see in the water and they hurt if they touch you! At least the Kraken I can see coming...

Garrett:  Good call. How are your saber skills?

Misty:  Alas, they've been better. I took one semester of fencing in college and loved it, but I haven't had much swordfighting experience since then. Unless you count DANCING with a sword, in which case my skills are excellent!

Garrett:  Nice, that’ll keep any unwanted scoundrels from strong arming you into a dance. Any other hobbies or interests your fans might not know about.

Misty:  My fans probably already know that I'm a belly dancer. I've been studying various forms of Middle Eastern dance for nearly nine years now, and there's always something new to learn. Lately I've been teaching myself how to use fan veils (dance fans with silk veils about 3 feet long) and hoops. I drop the hoops often, but I'm getting better.

Garrett:  Sounds exotic. I'll have to see if my girlfriend can find a fan veil class somewhere nearby.

Misty:  Fan veils are beautiful—she'll love them! I should also warn you, they're addictive. I have four pair already.

Garrett:  Warning taken under consideration. So, that's all the questions I have for you. Apart from the new Kestrel novel, anything else you want fans to know about?

Misty:  Well, once the rewrite is done, I'll be returning to the project I started last spring, a weird western fantasy with gunslingers, faeries, lost loves and electricity in all the most dangerous places, so keep a weather eye open for that.

Garrett:  Definitely will. That sounds awesome. Thanks so much for taking the time to talk. It's been a great honor.

Misty:  I've enjoyed this! Thank you for inviting me!

Holy Shit, Batman! (Comic-Con 2011)

After missing Comic-Con in 2010, I was excited to get back there this year. Due to some poor planning on my part and gnarly crowds I missed most of the cool programs and panels, but my girlfriend and I still managed to squeeze in a solid day and a half of ambling around, and with said crowds, that was plenty for us.

Beyond the great people watching, here’s some of the noteworthy highlights from this year’s nerd fest.

• A Song of Ice and Fire: I missed both the HBO Game of Thrones Q&A session and the Epic Writing panel with George RR Martin, but by sheer dumb luck, I wandered by Martin at an autograph booth and nabbed a quick photo. He looks to be in good health, which is good news for those of us hoping he doesn’t croak before finishing A Song of Ice and Fire. I have to admit, I was a bit star struck getting so close to Martin—way more star struck than seeing Adam West, Lou Ferrigno, and two Playboy playmates. I’ve yet to read A Dance with Dragons (it’s been so long coming, I need to go back and read the first four books again first), but I hear it’s good. For a review, check out Ahi Kerp’s blog.

• The Walking Dead: I missed the panel for the AMC Walking Dead TV show, as well as Robert Kirkman’s spotlight panel (detect a theme here?), but I did catch the trailer for the new season on AMC and it looks pretty bad ass. It’s hard to say from just the trailer, but it looks like season 2 more or less follows volume 2 of the comic book.

• John Carter of Mars: Not sure if there were any formal previews or panels for this one, but I read about it in a magazine that came with my free swag. Apparently, this is the first live-action movie Pixar has ever done and no one knows quite what to expect—Pixar has never had a critical or box office failure, but then again, Pixar has never made a movie like this. I personally have high hopes. The original Edgar Rice Burroughs book series is one of my favorites and I hope Disney/Pixar can adapt it as well as Disney/Walden adapted the Narnia movies. This trailer here looks promising: 

• Christopher Moore: How come I’ve never read any of his stuff before? His author spotlight was the one good panel I was able to actually get into, and he was not only hilarious, but very insightful and unabashed in his take on the publishing and movie industries. Upon returning home, I immediately ran to the Bookman in Orange (they stock my two books, so I gotta pimp them out at every opportunity) and picked up a copy of Blood Sucking Fiends. 40 pages into it so far, and not disappointed.

• Steampunk: The genre is becoming invasive in all facets of media. There were more people in steampunk costumes than any other genre, by my estimation. In the main exhibit hall, there were at least a dozen stalls selling steampunk paraphernalia: everything from clothing and jewelry to games, artwork, fully functional gadgets, and even a steam-powered brass vibrator (or maybe it was just a gun—I was afraid to pick it up to figure out which). Like the current zombie craze, I have mixed feelings about steampunk’s growing popularity. On one hand, with the popularity, longtime fans lose the exclusivity and prestige of being part of a small group in the know, but on the other hand, steampunk is pretty fucking cool and it’s nice to see more books, movies, and TV shows incorporating steampunk milieus. Plus, I actually know Tim Powers and James P. Blaylock, the two dude who more or less invented steampunk, so even if it does get popular, I’m still in pretty exclusive company. Take that, suckas!

• Slutty Costumes: As cool as the steampunk getups were, the slutty girls still win the contest for garnering the most gawking. Like Halloween, Comic-Con gives ladies full license to whore it up, and not just the good looking ladies. I can’t tell you how many pasty, 200+ lb gals I saw dressed up like Princess Leia from the Jabba the Hut sequence in Return of the Jedi. I applaud the ladies for their gusto and lack of modesty, but still, my personal favorite was these ladies who dressed up like the girls from Sucker Punch. Well done, ladies. Well done. Even my girlfriend was gawking at you for a good five minutes. Only at Comic-Con.

-Garrett Calcaterra

Dirty Jobs

Sorry, hon, you can't pay me enough to do that...

In the course of trying to make a career of doing what one loves, we are often forced into making sacrifices and working odd jobs to make ends meet. Being a writer is no exception. People tend to have the misconception that being an author means you make heaps of money, live in a secluded manse, and hobnob with the intellectual elite. Not so much. If you need convincing, read Robert Brockway's hilarious (and depressingly too real) account of what it's like being a writer. And keep in mind, Brockway is a fairly successfully author. Those of us writers who have yet to find ourselves on a bestsellers list are even worse off.

About five years ago, I left my career in the health & safety industry to become a “real” writer. I was writing before that, of course, but simply didn't have enough time to write as much as I needed. So, I quit my job, picked up a few writing classes to teach part-time, and got to writing like mad. The writing has been good, and the classes fun to teach, but the money hasn't exactly come pouring in, and that's meant taking on whatever jobs I can hustle up—oftentimes jobs a one-armed hooker with no teeth would turn her nose up to. What follows is a sampling of the soul-sucking jobs I've worked over the years. Please share your own shitty jobs in the comments section below. It'll be fun to commiserate together in our collected misery!

Valeting Cars: This is what I'm currently doing for the summer. When I got hired I envisioned parking sweet cars at a high-end hotel—if not Lambos, Ferraris, and Porsches, at least BMWs, Mercedes Benzs, and Lexus, etc. Instead, I'm parking mini-vans and beat up Corollas with 300,000 miles on them at a little inn across from Disneyland. Pay is minimum wage plus tips, which are essentially non-existent. My co-workers are all great, though (and most have college degrees, by the way, which says something about our current economy). Plus, the people watching is fantastic. My co-workers and I have decided, after much observation, that Disneyland should change their slogan from “the happiest place on Earth” to “the fattest place on Earth.” The parade of obese people shuffling in and out of that place is astounding. Fat husbands, fat wives, fat kids, fat grandmas, people so fat they can't walk... (Hint: If you wanna get rich, start a wheelchair/scooter rental company near Disneyland.) The worse part is watching these debilitatingly fat people go into the McDonalds next door and wheel themselves out carrying a BigMac, super-sized fries, a tub of soda, and a milkshake. Go, America!

Delivering Past-due and Foreclosure Notices: This was the most depressing job ever. Sometimes I'd find homes already abandoned, the residents having taken all their possessions and skipped town before the bank could seize everything. Other times I'd find the residents still there and have to look them in the face while giving them their letter. A few of them were angry and yelled at me, but most just looked at me with sad eyes, broken and stripped of all pride. The irony of it all, from my perspective, was that the company that hired me was continually short-changing me and mailing my paycheck late. And mind you, this company's clients were some of the biggest, most well-known banks and home loan lenders in America. I think I speak for all American people when I say to the mortgage lending industry: go fuck yourselves.

Doing Air-exposure Monitoring During the Gulf Oil Spill: Damn, I might have to take back what I said about delivering foreclosure notices—seeing the devastation of the Gulf might have been the most depressing job ever. Read my previous Blog entry here for all the details, and as long as I'm telling off faceless entities: BP, you can go fuck yourself too!

Teaching On-line Classes for the University of Phoenix: This sounds like a good gig, right? Stay at home and teach a class on the computer from the comfort of your own home. That's what I thought, too, then I had to go through several weeks of unpaid teacher training, during which I got a taste of University of Phoenix's on-line learning platform, i.e. inane busy work. Read this article, post a one paragraph response, comment on two of your classmates' responses, then comment on someone's comment on your response. I learned absolutely nothing. Seriously, I could have learned more about teaching by running naked through the reference section at Barnes & Noble and hoping I absorbed knowledge from the books via osmosis. Once I actually started teaching my own classes, it only got worse. For one thing, I didn't actually teach anything. I moderated the discussions as the students read and responded to the canned curriculum. The only thing I did beyond my teacher busy work was break up petty arguments between my students and listen to their excuses for turning work in late. One lady told me her homework was late because she had to go to the doctor on account of her vagina being “busted up” from giving birth to a baby with a real big head. Another woman said her work was late because she had to send her grandpa to jail for molesting her kids. I can only assume these excuses were legitimate because they're way too fucked up to be made up. In any case, between the impersonal nature of the classes, the total lack of real teaching, and the mind-boggling stupidity of most of the students, I simply couldn't take it. I made it through only one term of classes before quitting because I was turning into a raving madman who cursed and yelled at my computer.

Pulling Labor Gigs off of Craigslist: When I'm real hard up for cash, this is where I go (and this happens more often than you might think). I've helped people move, I've hauled random crap into storage units, I've done yard work, house work, and I famously low-balled a quote to cut down a thorny bougainvillaea “bush” that turned out to be the size of a 100-year old oak tree. That little incident left me looking like I'd gotten in a scratch fight with a really pissed off cougar, and after paying to dispose all the green waste at the dump, I only netted only $20 and multiple sessions of first-aid care at the hands of disapproving girlfriend for my seven ours of grueling work. Most of the time, the people I meet for these gigs are pretty nice. Sometimes not. I had one lady cancel a check on me (and my bank charged me $25, bastards). Another time, a guy was so lonely he tried to either befriend me or lure me into a murderous trap—I'm not sure which. He offered me a beer after delivering some furniture for him, which I accepted, but when he offered a second beer and invited me to look at his “wine cellar” I high-tailed it out of there. Too close to a real life Edgar Allen Poe story for my liking.

Pulling Writing Gigs off of Craigslist: Here's a little lesson you can learn at my expense: writing gigs off of Craigslist are bullshit 99% of the time. Most of them are phishing scams, the rest are people trying to get you to write them something for free. My most infamous incident was with Rev Ed. This looney offered to pay me $1400 to write the screenplay for an animated short. This guy was the nuttiest zealot I've ever had the displeasure of communicating with. The goal of his proposed short film was to somehow glorify and praise Christianity by depicting the holiest figures of Islam, Hinduism, and Buddhism sodomizing each other and doing naughty things to farm animals. I knew the guy wasn't going to pay me, but I wrote his nonsensical screenplay anyway, just so I could make the crusading hero of his story flamboyantly gay. Rev Ed never picked up on the nature of his hero (Rev Ed wasn't real bright, in case you can't tell), but my hope is one day he'll try to get his movie made, and when someone points out that his fictional Christian prophet is a homosexual he'll be so mortified that he throws himself off a cliff.

Ghost Writing and Copy Writing: These jobs actually aren't all that bad in comparison to the others, but as a public service, I want to make it clear that all my legitimate freelance writing gigs came from referrals and professional networking. Ghost writing and copy writing isn't exactly fun writing, but if you're a shrewd business person and can hustle up some good clients, you can make good money—probably more than you can make from writing poetry, fiction, or essays. But then again, money isn't why most writers write, and that's why more often than not, I'll choose to park cars or do yard work when I need the money.

-Garrett Calcaterra